My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.