My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My neck, my back, my…
The days of good grammer has went
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.