@sixfootcandy

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

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@reallifemommy3

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

@justinmatic5000

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@nevernicethings

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

@robin_991

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

@Tmoney68

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

@Marlebean

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!