My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.