My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

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I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys


[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed


Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading


Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.


*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*


Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.


Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.


I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but