“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.