My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.