My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy