@ambamthankyamam

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

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@hardasamother

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

@FattMernandez

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

@Cheeseboy22

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

@E_lok44

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@lilnatebigworld

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@chuuew

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

@XplodingUnicorn

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.