@hardasamother Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
@ambamthankyamam My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
You Might Also Like
@hardasamother 
@FattMernandez I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
@Cheeseboy22 Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
@E_lok44 I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
@tanialunreal Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
@lilnatebigworld “Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
@ArfMeasures DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
@chuuew [the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
@XplodingUnicorn Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
@WittySassBasket *walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD