My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
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My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.