My life in a nutshell
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.