My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
#dnd #ttrpg
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.