My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”