My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
A leaf blower, but for people.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.