My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Morning my dudes.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.