my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda


“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server


Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them


Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’


Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women


No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.


If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?


[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.


The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.


Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.