My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.