My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”