My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough