My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
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I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time