@TrueTorontoGirl

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

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@WhatevaConc

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@Donna_McCoy

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

@notalogin

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

@Tmoney68

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

@enigmaterics

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

@KimmyMonte

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

@ShawnIzadi

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

@TheBoydP

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

@SheMightHave

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.