My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Important reminders
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT