My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

You Might Also Like


I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.


If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.


If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.


A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.


waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours


health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)


[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”


Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?