@dlockw21

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

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@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

@howe007

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

@AnniemuMary

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@AliciaHawkes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

@vangobot

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

@PhilJamesson

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

@PhuckinCody

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

@Sorrowscopes

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?