My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
uncle dave has been through hell
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*