“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
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You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Great. There go our Oreos.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”
When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*