My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.