My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
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Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
How is it still this week?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
A tragic love story in two pictures.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.