My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
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When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Only Americans understand
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey