My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?