My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.