My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.