my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room