My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.