My loaf of bread looks terrified
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[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
lmfao
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.