My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
You Might Also Like
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My new favorite headline
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐