My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power