My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

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The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.


When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.


wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?


My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?


“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*


“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”


Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!


Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards


Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.


My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.