My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection