My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
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Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o