My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
sleeping beauty
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that