my love language is being sent money
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if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops