My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach