My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Yup
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…