My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
? 💀
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”