My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
You Might Also Like
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃