My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.