My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
had to make it
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy