My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
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“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”