@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

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@Dawn_M_

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@theshantilly

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@LoveNLunchmeat

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

@envydatropic

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

@SchmuckOnAHorse

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

@weirdralph

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.