@Dawn_M_ I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
@SufficientCharm My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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@Dawn_M_ 
@meganamram If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
@FrogAvalanche *pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
@theshantilly 11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
@LackOfShame Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
@LoveNLunchmeat 50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
@Lisa_Laughs_ We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
@envydatropic *Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
@SchmuckOnAHorse I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
@weirdralph My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.