Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
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I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.