My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
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“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
*goes in for first kiss*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”