My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

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Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*


I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?


[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket


Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.


Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.


A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.


Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.