@_SouthernMama

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

@ChaseMit

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

@AbbieEvansXO

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

@heatherlou_

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

@Marlebean

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

@beefman138

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

@Cornjerker78

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.