My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.