My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Potatoes were such a good idea
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about