My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
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From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Your secret is safeish with me
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me