My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
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Penguins walking in 5x speed
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.