My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life