My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
#Caturday
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
The Birdles
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact