My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”