My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
You Might Also Like
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked